Discovering my inner passion and lust for a sexy, old chicken-man and culinary joy has never been so stupidly satisfying.
I’m not too sure why I did this. I knew from the get-go that it was stupid. Maybe I wanted to see what the game had in store. Maybe I wanted to believe in something more. How could a glorious, glowing chicken-man and industrial titan love me? I was about to find out.
I Love You Colonel Sanders! An Introduction to the Finger Lickin’ Good Dating Simulator.
I had downloaded I Love You Colonel Sanders! back in September when the game was released. I always wanted to play the game for at least a minute, but since there didn’t appear to be any achievements or progress rewards associated with playing the game, I decided to brush it off. If I dived in, who knows how long I could be playing the KFC dating simulator? However, having to look at the game’s thumbnail every time I opened Steam on my PC sparked confusion in heart. So I finally did it. Over the course of the last two days, I completed I Love You Colonel Sanders!, and it was truly an unimaginable experience that I will do my best to describe.
Before I jump into it, I should say that I believe there are multiple different paths and story-lines in the game you can follow, but I have not done any research. This article will contain spoilers, but I have only played the game one time, and honestly, despite my currently overwhelming affectionate feelings for this game, I think once is enough.
I Love You Colonel Sanders! Day One of University Culinary School.
The whole game took about an hour, and it takes place over the course of three days (or chapters, as they’re called in the game’s data folder) that you spend at University Culinary School. On my first day of school I was excited. The game immediately takes you to another world, and right off the bat I found myself craving the affection of Sanders like I crave the taste of KFC gravy poured atop lukewarm french fries. I was captured by the wonderful soundtrack, vibrant colours and beautifully worded copy placed in front of me by the chicken-man himself. As someone that would consider himself new to dating simulators, I’d say that this was a strong start. I own a few games that I might consider to be in the same realm, but I’ve never quite cracked the seal on them.
I Love You Colonel Sanders! came flying out of the gate like a confused racehorse that doesn’t entirely know where it’s going, but will do anything to fly across the finish line in style. I was willing to lie to the Colonel, all in an attempt to win his heart.
I Love You Colonel Sanders! Day Two of University Culinary School.
Shortly after a long first day of school—which consisted of making friendships, developing rivalries, and fighting a giant blob monster—I thought to myself, if this game didn’t revolve around the meme appeal of Colonel Sanders the chicken-man, and swapped out KFC references for something along the lines of “trying to impress influential chicken senpai”, I honestly think this game would still work.
As my second day began, I still had the same lust for the Colonel that I did before, but something had changed. I found myself just wanting to get it over with. Trying to find the answers that would lead me in the quickest direction to Sanders’ heart. I was less concerned with why one might have joined the University Culinary School, and just doing everything I could in a poor attempt to get in the pants of this slimmed down, overzealous Kentucky chicken lover. Even though the Colonel had divulged some of his secret ingredients to me, I had lost sight of what I would even do with the knowledge surrounding his chosen herbs and spices, and would sacrifice my character’s love for cuisine solely to gain a coveting glance from the Colonel.
I Love You Colonel Sanders! Day Three of University Culinary School.
I think that’s where I went wrong, because towards the end, the Colonel could tell. In a soul-crushing attempt to win the heart of Sanders I forgot why my character would have signed up for school to begin with, and the chicken-man noticed. He said that perhaps, our love is meant to be, but he doesn’t think that we’re suited to go into business together. I guess what they say is true: having your cake and eating it too can be hard when you’re trying to gobble down some Sanders at a bed and breakfast in Vermont, but also trying to open a world-conquering fried chicken franchise.
I think In the end I learned a lesson about friendship and dreams. Don’t know if it stuck or not though… but what else could I do but laugh.
We often write about imitations of human interaction here at Too Far Gone. If you’re in the mood for something a little thought provoking, be sure to check out our video on the satire of Doki Doki Literature Club. If you’re looking for something a little more conceptually ridiculous, you can read about the ISIS dating sim that never was.